Interpersonal Communication Style Quiz: Answers

Workout Objective: Understand why the recommended quiz answers result in the most effective communication style for US business culture.

Prerequisite: Complete the Interpersonal Communication Quiz – 25 Total Questions

Recommended Frequency: Just once

Workout steps:

• Find the questions that your answers differed with and read through the explanations.
• List on a piece of paper the three things you’ll do differently when you communicate based on your new understanding.
• Share your action plan with someone who can hold you accountable.

Note: After doing the interpersonal communication quiz, one member commented — “In some cultures (i.e. Navajo-Native American), it is accepted that the person never looks at the speaker in one-on-one conversations. In certain American regional cultures, if you are not looking at their eyes, you are not interested in the discussion, but in others, you are threatening.” Different cultures will recommend different things. This is just what is recommended in mainstream US business culture.

Basic Interpersonal Etiquette

Cultural differences and shyness sometimes lead a person to choose a less effective style…

1. When I first meet someone,

1. I wait for the other person to make the introduction first
2. I introduce myself with a smile and offer a handshake
3. I hug the person

Recommended answer is “b” – I hope this answer is fairly obvious. In business, success is dependent on who you know as much as what you know. If you always wait for other people to introduce themselves first, then you may miss out on opportunities to meet new people who could later help you in your career.

Answer “b” helps you be proactive in engaging with others, so they can get to know you — an important first step in any positive interaction. Answer “c” would be uncomfortable in any business situation, as the other person doesn’t know you at all. It’s hard for them not to feel awkward if you met them for the first time and tried to go in for a hug.

2. When I first meet someone,

• a) I make an effort to remember and use people’s names.
• b) I don’t pay attention to names, as I tend to forget them.
• c) I only learn the names of important people.

Recommended answer is “a”. Knowing someone’s name and calling them by their name helps people stay engaged with you in conversation. You should always try to remember names, even if you don’t remember them all. Some techniques to remembering names include:

1) Repeating their name in the next sentence you speak.

2) Associating their name with someone you know or someone famous (e.g, Hillary like Hillary Clinton).

Answer “c” is not the best style, as you may not immediately know who the important people are. You cannot judge importance based on titles, as there are junior level folks and support staff that could have significant influence in an organization. It’s also not good for your reputation to come across as arrogant. If you’re wrong, and they happened to be important to your career, you’ve just burned a bridge for yourself.

3. When speaking with others,

• a) I try to equalize my participation in the conversation.
• b) I usually do most of the talking.
• c) I usually let the other person do most of the talking.

Recommended answer is “a” – Answer “b” is less effective, because if you do most of the talking, you may be dominating too much of the conversation. This will come across as less than engaging. The listener could get bored, or think you’re arrogant or too self-absorbed.

It may be tempting to think the answer “c” is best, as this means you’re showing interest in what the other person is saying. However, it’s also less effective, as the person may feel heard, but they may not leave with a strong impression of you. Remember, a good rule of thumb for great interpersonal communication is to be interesting and interested. For both to happen, you need to equalize your participation in the conversation.

4. In conversations,

• a) I frequently use courtesy words and phrases – “thank you, please, and sorry.”
• b) I occasionally use courtesy words and phrases.
• c) I never use courtesy words and phrases.

Recommended answer is “b”: It should be pretty obvious why answer “c” is not right, as any business culture requires some level of courtesy. But you may ask why the answer “a” is not the most effective style? The reason is that overly using polite words can be perceived as a sign of weakness in the U.S. culture. Sometimes I see people, especially Asians, say more courtesy words than is necessary. I was born in China, so I know this is because we’re taught that it’s always best to be more polite and deferential to authority. This is, unfortunately, not the case in the U.S. For example, if you frequently say sorry in conversations, you can start to build a negative reputation as someone who is often at fault or can be easily picked on. Both impressions put you at a disadvantage in your career. So, it’s important to understand when to use courtesy words and when not to.

Core Communication Style

1. When starting a conversation, I usually

• a) “warm-up” new conversations with small talk.
• b) avoid small talk and jump into more important matters.
• c) avoid starting conversations.

Recommended answer is “a”. I usually “warm-up” new conversations with small talk. Most people answer either “a” or “b” to this question. The reason answer “a” is recommended is because “small talk” can help break the ice, build a relaxed atmosphere for more conversation, and potentially build personal rapport with your new audience. “Small talk” can be about the weather, sports, stock market, news you heard this morning, etc. Usually you want to find something that you think is the most relevant to the people you are speaking with.

Some people, especially foreigners from Asian countries, can make the mistake of thinking that making “small talk” will make them appear less serious and therefore should be avoided. In American culture, this is not true, because those who know how to use the right “small talk” to help everyone relax will be more likely to be heard. I believe that, in the U.S., business people usually expect two to three minutes of “small talk” to ease into the conversation. This is why when I coach foreign business professionals on how to be more effective in the American business culture, I usually recommend that they keep up with some current events outside of work, so they can start or join “small talks” in a business conversation naturally.

2. When I discuss a topic

• a) I tend to talk about and focus on positive (good) aspects.
• b) I tend to talk about and focus on the negative (bad) aspects.
• c) I tend to complain.

Recommended answer is “a”: This is, again, potentially because of cultural differences. I spent about 15 years in Asia and over 20 years in the U.S., so I can comment a bit on the cultural differences I have seen. In America, business professionals are more likely to respond positively if you deliver the message in a positive manner, such as positioning an unexpected negative outcome as an opportunity, and always ending on a positive note.

In Asia, on the other hand, business professionals may view telling you about the “negative” aspects as being more honest, and so they are doing their job by warning you of the worst-case scenario. This approach may have good intentions, but I have found it to be less effective in the US.

3. While listening,

• a) I tend to be distracted by things going on around me.
• b) I listen for meaning and ask questions.
• c) I listen intently and I don’t ask questions, as it would be impolite.

Recommended answer is “b”. It should be obvious why “a” is not the right answer. Answers “b” and “c” can come down to cultural differences. In Asia, where the business culture is much more hierarchical, it may be considered rude if you ask questions while listening. Whereas in the U.S., professionals will view you as thorough, engaged, and proactive if you ask questions while listening.

4. While conversing,

• a) I tend to interrupt the other person before he or she is done speaking to show my excitement for the subject.
• b) I wait until the other person is done speaking before I speak.
• c) I try to talk as little as possible.

Recommended answer is “b”. This is pretty obvious but sometimes difficult to do. When we’re nervous to show that we know what we are talking about, really excited about a subject, or rushing to finish on time, we tend to start talking before the other person finishes his sentence. Depending on the other person’s style, this can be considered as either no big deal or very rude. Ultimately, it’s just more respectful to wait until the other person is done speaking.

5. When I disagree with a person,

• a) I listen first, ask questions for clarification, then disagree non-judgmentally.
• b) I quickly point out the person is wrong and why.
• c) I say little or nothing.

Recommended answer is “a”. You may think that this is the obvious right answer, but I used to think that answer “b” is the right approach. I used to be an engineer, and in that field the answers are black and white — either the circuits that I built worked, or they didn’t. I used to look at everything this way. If I was in a discussion and I found a flaw in their argument, I would be quick to point out why they were wrong.

This win-lose attitude can be detrimental to your relationships and communication effectiveness. Nobody wants to be told that they’re wrong, even if they are. Keep in mind that business is one big gray area with no clear right or wrong answers. Communicating only why you disagree, without passing judgment as to who is right or wrong, will keep your tone constructive. It will also help you build, instead of destroy, relationships. This is key, as good relationships are essential to supporting a successful career.

6. When I have a negative opinion or comment,

• a) I just say it.
• b) I lead in with a positive comment first.
• c) I say nothing.

Recommended answer is “b”. Leading with a positive comment will soften the blow and therefore foster relationships. Neither “a” nor “c” is ideal. If you just blurt it out, you’ll seem blunt, self-righteous, or rude to an American. However, if you say nothing, you’ll seem un-engaged, or you’ll make it seem like you can’t take a stand. Many shy people tend to say nothing and think that if they seem agreeable to others, they’ll be liked and promoted. This is NOT true. Those who have trouble voicing their opinion are rarely promoted faster in American culture. People respect those who can speak their mind constructively.

7. To end a conversation,

• a) I often just leave.
• b) I begin to look impatient hoping the person will get the hint.
• c) I wrap up with a closing statement.

Recommended answer is “c”. Just leaving can lead to confusion while looking impatient is simply rude. It’s always recommended to have a wrap-up, even if it’s quick. It could be a polite comment, like “it was a pleasure meeting you.” It could also be an action, like “I will call you next week to set up a follow-up meeting.”

Non-verbal Communication Etiquette

While what you say and how you say it are important, how you communicate non-verbally with your face and body also has a significant impact on how someone perceives you, and whether they will stay engaged in the conversation. As you’ll see, in American business culture, non-verbal communication etiquette is all about balance.

1. In conversations,

• a) I tend to be serious and don’t smile often.
• b) I smile all the time.
• c) I smile at appropriate times.

Recommended answer is “c”: A balanced smile is best and more meaningful. If you smile all the time, it may come across as fake, nervous, or not serious enough. And if you don’t smile often, then you can unwittingly create unnecessary tension in the conversation. Smiling at the appropriate times will elicit a good response from the person you are speaking with while keeping the conversation relaxed and positive.

2. While conversing,

• a) I make eye contact.
• b) I sometimes make eye contact.
• c) I never make eye contact.

Recommended answer is “b”: In American business culture, eye contact is expected; otherwise you may seem like you are hiding something, you’re shy, or disinterested. With that said, constant eye contact can also unnerve the person you are speaking with, as constant eye contact can easily become a stalker stare. Again, balance is key. You should make eye contact intermittently to keep engaged with the other person.

3. While conversing,

• a) I hold my head still at all times.
• b) I nod my head at appropriate times.
• c) I nod my head constantly.

Recommended answer is “b”. Keeping your head still all the time is unnatural. It will make you tense, and the person you’re speaking with will feel that too. Nodding your head constantly may seem like a good idea, especially if you agree with everything the other person is saying, but this is also unnatural. It can make you appear too eager to please, and therefore boring to speak with, as you have nothing different to say.

This is definitely a trend in American business culture. In Japan, you are expected to nod often to show your respect, otherwise you may be considered rude.

4. While conversing,

• a) I stand one foot away from the person.
• b) I stand two to three feet away from the person.
• c) I stand five to six feet away from the person.

Recommended answer is “b”. I had no concept of personal space when I moved to America. In China, there are over one billion people, and I was constantly surrounded by people on the bus and sidewalk. It was natural to bump into people, or for others to stand really close to me. I never thought anything of it.

In America, however, there is a concept of personal space. It’s about one foot around the person. You’re a little too close if you’re standing a foot away from someone else. They may feel like you are being too familiar with them, which could be very inappropriate for a business conversation. This is especially true if the person you’re speaking with is of a different gender. Standing two to three feet away is ideal. Any further is too far away to engage in a conversation, unless you’re in a group setting.

5. When I’m listening to the other person,

• a) I often cross my arms over my chest.
• b) I often lean back and turn my body away from the speaker.
• c) I often lean slightly forward and face my body toward the speaker.

Recommended answer is “c”: This style may be culturally universal. I think most of us would agree that crossing my arms over my chest is perceived as a defensive, closed posture. Leaning back and turning my body away from the speaker is usually construed as being uninterested in the conversation.

6. When I’m in a group,

• a) I tend to frown a lot.
• b) I tend to smile and use humor at appropriate times.
• c) I tend to be serious.

Recommended answer is “b”. Similar to question 1 above, it’s important to smile occasionally to keep the conversation friendly and engaging. Use humor only if you feel comfortable doing so. Appropriate humor is important, as a joke that’s not funny will create an awkward silence. On the other hand, a joke that’s too colorful can also create unease.

As we discussed before, some people may think that it’s important to be serious in a group-business setting to show that you’re focused. This is unfortunately not true. Business conversations can get boring quickly if you’re too serious. In the US, people will listen better to someone who can be animated in their discussions.

Feedback Communication Style

Whether you’re giving feedback or receiving feedback, there’s a right way and a wrong way to do it. Either way, it affects your career success. When giving feedback, it’s important to be constructive in order to keep your team members motivated and help them grow. Only when they’re motivated to perform and are loyal to you, can they also help you succeed. When receiving feedback, it’s important to sound open-minded and receptive to convey that you’re eager to learn and are listening.

1. When I receive unfavorable feedback,

• a) I ask for specific examples and note where I need to improve.
• b) I get angry and defensive
• c) I deny the problem, make excuses, or plead ignorance.

Recommended answer is “a”. This, I’m hoping, is fairly obvious. It’s never a good signal to other colleagues, especially senior managers, if you get angry or defensive. It shows a lack of composure. Furthermore, the items in “c” can contribute to divisiveness and potentially creates a toxic environment. This almost never turns out well in the long run.

2. When I disagree with the feedback I received

• a) I tell my boss directly and use examples to show him why he is wrong.
• b) I talk to HR to document my disagreement.
• c) I ask questions to understand why my boss has a different perspective.

Recommended answer is “c”. It should be obvious why “a” is not the best approach — even if you have examples to demonstrate your perspective, you don’t want to approach your boss with why he is wrong. This will just cause an argument, and at the end of the day, you will not convince him that he’s wrong.

Frankly, there’s no right or wrong in feedback. If your boss perceives your performance to be a certain way, he’s usually right in his perception. If you disagree, you’re only right in your perception. The takeaway here is to figure out why his perception is different from yours, and what you can do in the future to change it.

Telling HR about your disagreement is okay, but don’t expect HR to do anything for you other than to document it. HR is not your friend. They’re there to take care of the company’s interests.

3. When I give a person feedback,

• a) I offer feedback both on their strength and development area.
• b) I only give positive feedback.
• c) I only give negative feedback so they can improve.

Recommended answer is “a”. It’s always a good idea to provide balanced feedback. Nobody is perfect, and we all have strengths and development areas. Don’t just sugar coat your words by giving predominantly positive feedback. You will do them a disservice, because you’re not helping them grow or get promoted. Finally, focusing too much on negative feedback can just demotivate your team members.

4. When I give a person negative feedback,

• a) I focus on the person’s observable work or behavior and offer suggestions.
• b) I focus on what I don’t like about the person.
• c) I simply tell the person what to do right.

Recommended answer is “a”. Many managers make this mistake and cannot separate their personal biases from observable facts. Don’t be one of them. Remember, the goal of giving feedback is to help people grow, not feeding your own ego.

Answer “c” isn’t ideal either, since there’s always more than one way to do things right. Don’t be too prescriptive in your feedback unless asked. Give the person enough details regarding how they can improve, why they need to improve, and let them grow in their own way. They’ll be more motivated to perform this way.

5. When I give a person feedback,

• a) I do it around others so everyone can hear.
• b) I do it in front of the supervisor.
• c) I talk with the person alone in a private place.

Recommended answer is “c”. I hope it is obvious why.

Social Communication at Work

You may wonder — what does social communication have to do with my career success? A lot. People tend to like working with others that are similar to them and respectful of them. Even though work is about your performance, it’s also about how well you can get along with others.

This last section can be especially important to foreigners working in the U.S. There are many aspects of American culture that take time to learn and understand. The more you can understand it, the more effective and successful you can be in the American business world.

1. When a co-worker discusses a non-work related topic at work (e.g. sporting event, TV show),

• a) I politely leave the conversation.
• b) I listen or join in the conversation.
• c) I tell his boss that this co-worker is not working hard enough.

Recommended answer is “b”. Socializing is a normal part of work. Of course, you still need to get your work done, but on top of this, you need to spend time getting to know your co-workers and boss on a personal level. The best way to relate is to find common interests or hobbies to discuss or participate in. People like to promote people they like. Just doing good work alone is not enough. It’s not fair but it’s reality.

2. When someone talks about an unfortunate or sad experience,

• a) I don’t comment on it.
• b) I will try to change the subject.
• c) I try to relate to the person’s feelings and show sensitivity to his or her misfortune.

Recommended answer is “c”. People expect you to show empathy and care when you hear about their misfortunes. It will be considered rude if you don’t say anything that relates to their feelings or shows sensitivity.

3. If a co-worker has put on weight,

• a) I say nothing about it.
• b) I tell the person that he or she has changed in appearance.
• c) I honestly tell the person that he or she looks fat.

Recommended answer is “a”. While it’s important to be social at work, it’s also important to know which subjects are too sensitive to talk about. These may include weight, age, or religion. It’s important to remember that no one in America likes to hear negative comments about themselves, even if they are true. It’s considered offensive and will definitely harm any good relationship that you may have with the person. This may seem obvious to some, but for some foreigners, it’s not so obvious.

For example, whenever I visit my birth country, China, my relatives are always quick to point out how “chubby” or “strong” I look. (For reference, I’m a size 2 or 4 in the US). While my American self feels offended, my Chinese self reminds me that they do this for two reasons:

1. Chinese people are very direct when they communicate. Weight is not a taboo topic in China, as most people are actually underweight.
2. In the 1960s, there was a mass famine in China. Since then, anyone who looks chubby or strong is considered well off. In other words, Chinese people use this comment as a compliment to acknowledge that you’re well-to-do.

By contrast, many people in the U.S. are worried about being overweight, so you can easily hurt their feelings if you tell them that they look heavier or have had a change in appearance.

As you can see, cultural differences can impact your communication style and your career success. If you ever travel and work in a different country than the one you were born in, it’s important to invest time to understand the business culture of the country you’re operating in and adapt your communication style accordingly.

The moral of the story: it’s important to invest time to socialize at work to build informal bridges and build a favorable reputation. If you’re a foreigner working in the U.S., it’s important to know what topics are sensitive to Americans and what the appropriate responses are without being too blunt or uninterested. The best way to really learn this is to immerse yourself in American culture outside of work – watch TV, make friends, and go to parties that are outside of your ethnic group. You’ll then learn what the norms are in American culture for a casual environment and thus learn how to better socialize at work.

I’ve lived in America for more than 20 years now, but I still remember some sense of culture shock from when I first came here. For example, when people say “Let’s do lunch soon,” and then never follow up to arrange it, it’s not out of disrespect. People actually like to say these phrases as a way of saying, “See you later.” It’s not a promise, as I originally thought, so don’t take offense. If you want to have lunch with them, just set it up yourself. It took me a good five to ten years before I felt “Americanized,” so be patient with yourself.